Movie Puke's Journal of Cinemasochism

Movie #216 Shakes the Clown (1992)

2010-12-09T14:41:00.000-08:00

***
Bobcat Goldthwait directs and stars in the titular role of Shakes, an alcoholic clown whose drinking puts his relationship with a bubbly waitress (Julie Brown) as well as his promising career in the toilet. While his life heads down the drain, a fellow clown and all around sinister fellow Binky (Tom Kenny) frames him for the murder of their boss, further escalating his troubles and alienating him from his peers and mime-bashing friends (including a young Adam Sandler). While this was mildly amusing today, I could see how it would have been sheer hilarity in the early 90s, but I'm afraid I missed that boat entirely due to lack of interest. There were funny moments, funny lines, and funny characters, but all around the film wasn't overwhelmingly funny. Julie Brown seems like she's trying a little too hard, but the rest of the cast did a seemingly good job with so-so material to work with. One saving grace I did appreciate was hearing Goldthwait's regular speaking voice, as opposed to the speedy, high pitched babble that usually spews out of his mouth. Wildly refreshing.

Movie #215: It Nearly Wasn't Christmas (1989)

2010-12-08T14:24:00.000-08:00

*** and 1/2
Charles Durning plays a fed-up Santa who's convinced by the Mrs. to return to earth to help out a little girl who's missing her daddy. While there, he's kicked by a child, assaulted and mugged, then mistakenly thrown in jail... but he does finally catch up to little daddy-missing Jenny, who's already on the Greyhound to California when Santa greets her. Their adventures take them to several destinations where Santa starts to realize people really do care about him after all. Meanwhile Jenny's frantic mother tries to follow her daughter with the help of a shyster black Santa with a change of heart (played by Isaac Washington from Love Boat!). The little girl who played Jenny was excruciating to watch for such extended periods of time, and Charles Durning played the crustiest Santa ever, but I definitely love some late eighties holiday TV, so this was a nice little morsel for me -- with the glaring exception of Bruce fucking Villanch as the obnoxious, oversized elf Philpott. THUMBS DOWN!

Movie #214: Season of the Witch (1972)

2010-12-05T21:53:00.000-08:00

***
A weird, disembodied film from George Romero about a housewife who becomes intrigued by witchcraft and starts dabbling in the dark arts. A stiffly-acted, oddly edited film and disappointing followup to Night of the Living Dead.

Movie #213: Black Candles (1980)

2010-11-28T14:28:00.000-08:00

** and 1/2
A woman travels to England to search for answers to her brother's strange and sudden death and is met by a house filled with Satanic ritualists, horny lesbos and a priest with a massive coke nail. I queued this up on Hulu, thinking I was going to be watching some cheeseball early-80s English horror flick, but I failed to realize what I was actually dealing with here was a Jose Larraz film and that the majority of the plot would involve gratuitous sex scenes and most of the dialogue would be hoarse, moaning orgasms accompanied by bad voiceovers. I was actually a bit taken aback (just a bit) by the details in sexual blocking, particularly the whole "putting it in" movement pantomiming, which you almost never see in (non-porn) cinema, even softcore stuff! Still, not good enough to save it from being a ho-hum Jess Franco/Rosemary's Baby wannabe.
Edited to add: I almost forgot the best damn part -- there's a sex ritual scene where a lady gets fucked by a goat! It's simulated, but still... woooah Nelly!

Movie #212: Rocky Horror Picture Show (1976)

2010-11-28T14:25:00.000-08:00

****
I watched this film strictly to turn the main characters into crocheted figures, so I don't have a full review. But you don't need one!
Here's my finished pieces:

For a peek at the rest, go here.

Movie #211: The Toughest Man in the World (1985)

2010-11-15T20:30:00.000-08:00

*** and 1/2
This is another one I really loved but don't have time to give a fully half-assed review to, so here: Mr. T TV movie, perhaps afterschool special. Failing kid's program. Pretty social worker. Kids breakdancing. Awkward Mr. T acting. Entrance into the titular TMITW competition. Program saved!
Just watch the damn thing.

Movie #210: Betty Blowtorch and Her Amazing True Life Adventures (2003)

2010-11-11T19:18:00.001-08:00

***
Around 2000, I recall seeing the lead singer of this band Betty Blowtorch in every other tattoo and music magazine and thinking, "Who the fuck is that cheesy-ass chick?" Well, the answer to that astute question lies snuggled in this documentary telling the story of the short-lived female L.A. rock band whose success was cut short by the death of previously-mentioned cheesy-ass chick Bianca Butthole. A fairly interesting tale, plainly told with no special doodads or genius editing to accompany the story. I didn't come away from the film with any deep and meaningful thoughts other than a couple of "Oh yeah, I remember that song; I hated it" moments, as well as a solid confirmation of why I had never bothered to pay attention to Betty Blowtorch in the first place.

Movie #209: Krull (1986)

2010-11-09T19:17:00.000-08:00

** and 1/2
A muscley blonde dude. A swirling knife-ball. Some post apocalyptic interplanetary desert bullshit. Some latex monsters. Liam Neeson with a ponytail. Blah.

Movie #208: Point Blank (1991)

2010-11-08T11:59:00.001-08:00

*** and 1/2
Oh shit. This damn blog is hysterically crying out for my attention, and here I am neglecting the fuck out of it. Sigh. Okay, I've been busy, and unfortunately too much time has passed for me to give this a whole hearted review. Which is a damn shame, because I could have really done a gem if I had been taking notes. Let's just say Mickey Rourke, shopping mall, hostile takeover. And Frederick Forrest. It was a treat and a half. Danny Trejo in a coke-addled daze watching a hostage's strip tease was one WTF-laden scene that I do recall vividly, and I can tell you that this is before Rourke went apeshit with the Botox, but after his face started taking the swift turn onto Ugly Street.

Movie #207: Rolling Thunder (1977)

2010-11-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

***
An army Major (William Devane) returns home from a POW camp filled with bad memories and bitter thoughts. He's honored by his with gifts and a monetary award, even getting a kiss from a pretty young local filly. When the news of his cash prize reaches the town's ruffians, they pay him an unfriendly visit, stealing his money, killing his wife and child, and leaving him so beaten and wounded that he ends up with a neat-looking hook for a hand. After tracking down his fellow vet and friend (Tommy Lee Jones) the Major brings his new kissin' filly along down to Mexico, where he exacts his vigilante-style justice on the perpetrators, keeping his cool and utilizing the emotional strength obtained in the camps. The storyline was a bit slow in its buildup, but once it got going it was fairly decent. Devane was a believable surly veteran type, and Jones is still young and fresh enough to be tolerable. I could have done without the young filly sidekick though.

Movie #206: Dawn of the Dead (1974)

2010-10-31T22:21:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
(No this is not the stupid remake!) Back to the basics. The second entry in Romero's zombie series, where a group of survivalists board themselves into an abandoned shopping mall while the undead attempt to break in and get their brain-on. Ken Foree is a fine actor (even though he's a bit of a blowhard in real life), and I love me some mall scenes, zombies, and George Romero, but the overabundance of tomato-sauce blood and haphazardly applied pasty blue makeup effects almost ruins this one for me every time. (Don't get your fanboy panties in a bunch, I said ALMOST.)

Movie #205: Night of the Living Dead (1969)

2010-10-31T22:19:00.000-07:00

**** and 1/2
They're coming to get youuuuu Barbara! Look! Here comes one of them now!

Movie #204: The Evil Dead (1983)

2010-10-31T20:00:00.000-07:00

****
Another "Back to the Basics". No need for plot explanation. When I first saw this movie, I was so enthralled by the wonderful blood and gore that I didn't bother to soak in all the ghetto-fabulous effects and details, but now after seeing it 428579 times and having all the high-resolution, 21st century technology available to me, my horror boner has softened somewhat for this early Raimi entry. It's still a fabulous piece of work, but little things like loosened prosthetics and wrinkly latex scars stick out a lot more than they used to. That forest rape scene will always be one of my favorites, though!! So. Tough.

Movie #203: Moon of the Wolf (1972)

2010-10-31T19:15:00.000-07:00

***
I'm making these next reviews short and sweet-- got no time or tolerance for full length posts this week, people.
A slew of murders in a Louisiana town leads the local sheriff to suspect lycanthropy amongst some of the residents. I've watched this one before but it was all new to me since I barely paid attention the first time -- after all, it is a forgettably plain TV movie with some cute fuzzy werewolf effects but still boring and completely missable.

Movie #202: Giant Spider Invasion (1975)

2010-10-31T10:16:00.000-07:00

***
A town is plagued with killer spiders that mutate and become huge. A scientist and the local police officer intervene and try to solve the worsening problem. Gee... this sounds familiar. Didn't I see this one before?

Movie #201: Return of the Living Dead (1986)

2010-10-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

****
Another basic watch I had to get in for Halloween. I'm not going to insult your intelligence and explain the plot, but let's just say after watching Night of the Demons less than two weeks before this really brought home the confusing similarities between the two.
A bunch of teenage punk rockers hanging out with dead people?
Check.
Sexy Linnea Quigley showing off her assets?
Check. (Added bonus of that weird prosthetic cunt-piece!)
Gooody goody two shoes girl and more-sensitive-than-the-rest black guy?
Check.
Need to escape an enclosed space invaded by undead souls?
Check.
And to wrap it up in a nice little package, both films have authentically badass music soundtracks. Although I will admit that I find it incredibly amusing that "Party Time", one of 45 Grave's most popular songs, is often used in 1980s party scenes with only the chorus intact ("DO YOU WANNA PARTTTAY? IT'S PARTY TIME!"), when the rest of the song is about the torture and rape of a 5-year old girl. Woo hoo! Stuff that dead kid's body in the closet and let's do some keg stands!

Pity the poor little darling now
Oh, she never had a chance
Death came quick
For a girl
Victim of homicide
Cut and beaten
Brutally raped
The five year old
She didn't escape
Her mom and friend
Did her in
Cigarette burns
On her skin
From her mom and her friend
He had a whip
To hit her again
Do you wanna party/It's party time
We gotta party/It's party time
Oh, she never had a chance
Her family
Was sent to jail
Except for Jill
Her older sister
Never loved
Not for a dime
All night she screams
Party time

Movie #200: Deadly Blessing (1981)

2010-10-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

***
This one of those movies that I've seen 40 times before but always end up forgetting about, then I'll re-watch it and be like, "Oh yeah." Wes Craven directs this suspense horror about the wife of a ex-Hittite farmer whose shunned by his family then brutally murdered inside his own garage. Devastated by the loss of her husband, the woman's situation is made worse by the Hittites' disapproval and efforts to get her to leave their land, but she stays firmly put. Two of her best friends (one being a very young and attractive Sharon Stone) come to visit her in her time of grieving, but their presence makes a bigger stir among the extremely conservative residents as the harlots jog about in their short shorts, their nipples popping through tank tops as they unknowingly lead the young male Hittites down the road to eternal damnation. Soon enough more grisly murders occur, leading the gals to suspect several of the murdered husband's family members, most prominently the father and leader (played by Ernest Borgnine). Lisa Hartman makes an appearance as a non-Hittite neighbor with some mental problems and a barn-full of radical paintings, and Craven fans will appreciate the small role for Hills Have Eyes' Michael Berryman (my favorite movie freak), but for the most part the performances are a bit stale and the plot a little dull. Borgnine is wonderful in his sputtering guttural delivery as usual, Sharon Stone is actually attractive, and the T&A (although probably performed by body doubles) was actually above par for a 1981 film primarily involving Hittites. However, if you're looking for Nightmare on Elm Street-type Craven gore and pacing, you'll be heavily disappointed.

Movie #199: Bay Coven (1987)

2010-10-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

** 1/2
Maaaaahhhh. I don't want to write this review. The plot was only half-way memorable and the entire production was a combination of about 3 other, much better films. Here's a sloppy synopsis: A couple decides to move to a small island village, where June Cleaver, Jeff Conaway and Doogie Howser's dad all have a secret coven of witches. The couple takes foreeevver figuring this out, and of course by the time the wife cottons onto the witchery game her hubby is all caught up, Stepford Wives style. Yeah, that's it, but don't worry: I didn't ruin anything for you; you probably would have figured it out for yourself within the first ten minutes. And let's be honest; it's not like you were going to watch it anyway. But just in case you actually want to...

Movie #198: The Case of the Hillside Stranglers (1989)

2010-10-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

***
This TV movie tells the true story of Kenneth Bianchi and Angelo Buono (better known as The Hillside Stranglers), two Italian-American cousins who viciously tortured and killed a large number of women around L.A., then left their nude, desecrated bodies laying out in the open on hills next to freeways and overpasses. The film follows the lead detective (Richard Crenna) on the case as he consults witnesses, experts and even a psychic in attempts to reveal the identities of the killers. Meanwhile, Kenny (Billy Zane) and Ang (Dennis Farina) continue their killing spree, unbeknownst to their families and significant others. After coming precariously close to being captured, the duo decide put a hold on the mass slayings -- that is, until Kenneth begins his own murdering rampage in Washington state, bringing the cops' attention back the the cousins and eventually leading to their capture. There were parts to this story that were (of course) glossed over for television's sake: the monstrosity of the crimes was so ugly and heinous that there's probably no way they could have made this movie with intricate details intact. But I will say that did a half-way decent job of representing Bianchi after his capture; while under surveillance and in interviews, Bianchi tried to milk his "split personality disorder" to get an insanity plea... but that shit didn't work, and with good reason -- Bianchi was only slightly less of an actor than his portrayer Billy Zane.

Movie #197: Fight For Life (1987)

2010-10-26T02:30:00.000-07:00

***
Jerry Lewis stars in this TV movie as a well-off optometrist whose 6-year old daughter suddenly begins having violent grand mal seizures due to a rare form of epilepsy. Together with his wife (Patty Duke), the good doctor tries to find a solution for the child's disease, but without the proper medication her condition will only worsen and may end up causing permanent retardation. Unfortunately the medication, Sodium Valproate, is only available in England and isn't yet passed by the FDA in the United States. As the family struggles and pleads with myriad experts, physicians and neurologists, the tensions and setbacks keep bringing their hopes to a screeching halt, until a kindly paraplegic doctor (Morgan Freeman) gives the family a ray of hope. I'm not familiar with the realities of this case (I'm thinking it was based on a true story), but I'm pretty sure they took some major liberties with it (not surprising). Lewis brings only a small amount of his "Hoyyyy-Glavenn, pretty layyy-deee!" Jewish comedy to the table, which is unfortunate since his dramatic acting skills are reminiscent of a high school acting teacher filling in for the teenage lead in the school play and probably would have been improved a bit by more unnecessary burst of inappropriate humor. The head-shakingly tragictastic sped-up juvenile seizures were a welcomingly offensive addition to a somewhat drab cast, and the heavy religious overtones (son studying Torah for his bar mitzvah, a Catholic priest BFF, Jerry's faith in God) took it to another level that seemed a little propaganda-y. Throughout the film, Lewis confusingly hosts/narrates the film while walking through a snow-blanketed forest, which really added to the whole "Don't let this happen to your child" vibe that just screams "Late 80s TV Movie".

Movie #196: Night of the Demons (1987)

2010-10-20T15:56:00.000-07:00

****
Back to basics time again! Halloween is coming up quickly, and what better what to get into the spirit but by a 32589398th viewing of this Kevin S. Tenney (Witchboard) - directed horror about a bunch of "teens" (probably all in their mid-20s) who gather at an abandoned mortuary for a partyin' punk rock good time. Just as the festivities start getting underway, some of the teens start displaying some less-than-normal traits thanks to the evil spirits conjured up by a seance, and the night's activities turn into a slew of odd and creepy events. The demonic spirits are passed from one person to the other, transforming the kids into disfigured monsters with glowing eyes, sharp fangs and dirt-encrusted talons. Gore and guts go on full display as the cursed partygoers start turning on the few remaining humans, with some memorably unique scenes impressive for such a low-budgeted film. The whole thing is a blast, but the highlights have to be horror hottie Linnea Quigley in a completely boner-iffic pink skimpy ensemble (and her demonic scenes filled with What-the-fuck?-osity) and party host Angela sexily goth-dancing to Bauhaus while "normal guy" Sal looks on freaked out confusion. Been there, done that! Freaking out dumb "norm" boys with some kinky gothic feminine spookiness is soooo fucking fun!!

Movie #195: Badlanders - aka Prison Planet (1992)

2010-10-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

** and 1/2
Ooof. Another post-apocalyptic sci-fi actioner? GAH!! Why do I do this to myself? I'll be honest -- I can't really remember what this one's about, since I didn't pay attention to closely -- but it did have a prison, motorcycles, mullets and a squirrelly evil sidekick guy in a suit somewhere in it. And surprise, surprise, it was in a desert setting. One outstanding memory I DO have of this film is that the acting was embarrassingly poor... I definitely remember that part. But I probably didn't even need to tell you that.

Movie #194: Are You in the House Alone (1978)

2010-10-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
A teen girl named Gail keeps getting disturbing notes thrust into her locker and receiving threatening phone calls at home. Even though she suspects certain people around her, Gail is quite unsure of who the perpetrator actually is. One night while babysitting, she starts getting the calls again, but this time with the caller becomes more than just a voice on the phone -- he actually becomes the intruder and aggressor, entering the house and raping her while the children are upstairs. The worst part? It's her best friend's boyfriend, someone she would have never suspected. As she tries to bring justice to the situation it becomes apparent that it will be a very hard case to win due to the boy and his family's social standing and capacity to get away with everything, so she sets up a sting operation using her own photo equipment and a hidden camera. Blythe Danner and Dennis Quaid bring a little something to the table acting-wise, but it's still mainly a "blah" production that had a small amount of kick to it and not much bite, with a catastrophically lame ending that resolved barely anything.

Movie #193: Ninotchka (1939)

2010-10-16T23:04:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
Greta Garbo stars as a very solemn Russian envoy sent to France to deal three of her fellow countrymen involved in a royal jewelry fiasco and ends up falling in love with a dashing count (Melvyn Douglas) who changes her mind about the frivolous decadence of Paris. She eventually convinced to give up some of her more rigid Commie ways for the romance and leisure of the western world she was raised to hate. Garbo is a vision throughout and gives a nicely weighted performance. Bela Lugosi is featured in the cast as a Commissar, the amusing script was penned by Billy Wilder and direction provided by Ernst Lubitsch.

Movie #192: Teen Wolf (1985)

2010-10-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

****
Ah, the classics. It seems like I'm watching a lot of movies these days solely for the purpose of research for dollmaking, and this is just another fine example. Michael J Fox stars as Scott,a small-town, teenage kid working for his father and going to high school, living an average existence --average, that is, until he finds out he's actually a teenage werewolf. His confidence bolstered by his sleazy friend Styles, Scott uses his newfound lycanthropic powers to his advantage, quickly becoming the star basketball player and all-around high school sensation. In a typically cinematic move, the popularity and accolades end up going to his head and he starts to forget who his real friends are, blah blah blah. Why am I telling you this? You already know what fucking Teen Wolf is about! But did you know that there's a guy who exposes himself in the crowd scene right before the end credits? Ho ho ho!!

Edited to Add: Apparently this is a joke in the Family Guy: Something Something Something Dark Side DVD, so a lot of people know about it now. I knew about it long before then, I assure you!

Movie #191: Buried Alive (1990)

2010-10-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
Supposedly based on an Edgar Allen Poe story, this low budget horror tells of a beautiful teacher who arrives at the Ravenscroft Institute, a facility for young female runaways and troubled teen girls, with a staff led by a well-known and handsome older psychiatrist named Gary (Robert Vaughn). Soon after arriving, the teacher begins to experience strange hallucinations of bulging, breathing walls and visions of being grasped by buried hands while falling into cracks in the ground. Her mentor and new romantic interest Gary seems to disregard these as paranoid delusions, as well as the screams she begins hearing at night. Meanwhile the teen girls are getting their delinquent slut-on in the basement and delving into all sorts of late-80s shenanigans like side-to-side dancing, pot smoking and heavy petting with sneaked-in boys. But the good time gals start realizing there are serious consequences to their actions thanks to a "mysterious" masked man stalking the ladies and their uninvited guests. Donald Pleasence co-stars as an institute "staff member" with a fondness for prunes (?) and an odd, mildly retarded disposition. The girls were definitely the most entertaining aspect of this one: Ginger Lynn Allen (probably almost 30 at this point) plays the main "bad girl", and although she looks great in a spandex miniskirt and leather belt, her face looks like a brick wall (an apt metaphor for this film); a young Nia Long does an above-par job, but only in comparison to the rest of the cast. John Carradine is featured as a walled up aged father (whoops I ruined it for you) in what was his last on-screen performance. Not as bad as some other productions he was in towards the end of his life (that guy would do ANYTHING!), but still not his best moment. And that muscle-faced weirdo Arnold Vosloo plays a sympathetic cop, making this the first film I have seen him in where wasn't portraying a serial killer.

Movie #190: Opposing Force - aka Hell Camp (1986)

2010-10-05T23:21:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
A group of soldiers looking to expand and hone their fighting skills sign up for what they believe to be a training course stationed in the Philippines. The grizzled military pro in the bunch (Tom Skerritt) decides to pair up with the lone female on the course (Lisa Eichorn) -- 'cause hey, no one else wants to be stuck with sparkle-tits. After a few hours of nascent camaraderie formed through war games, the two realize this is not the ordinary military training grounds they had expected but instead some kind of experimental simulated POW camp. The insane Air Force captain (Anthony Zerbe) heading the operation has some severe tests in store for the gang of incredulous and outraged military men as they try to survive their treatment, but the worst is reserved for the testicularly-challenged member of the group when she's held captive, then cruelly raped by the captain -- in order to build up her "tolerance". As the strongest (and least whiny) members are separated from the weak links, the captain and his cronies are faced with a rebellion and revolt from their prisoners. Zerbe is a creeptastic villian as usual, and Lisa Eichorn has a pleasing Diana-Scawid-esque quality that made her more palatable for me. Richard Roundtree co-stars as the sensitive but subservient captain's aide, giving this cinemasochistic sundae some delicious chocolate sprinkles, but Tom Skerritt ultimately provides that slimy but sweet, glistening red cherry on the top. OM NOM NOM, TOM!!

Movie #189: The Exorcist (1972)

2010-10-05T23:20:00.000-07:00

*****
What can I say but here I am, back to the basics! I'm not gonna explain the plot of this movie -- whoever doesn't know what it's about needs to crawl out of their damn cave (or dam-cave, if you're a beaver). I am currently working on a Regan-Father Merrin crocheted doll playset, so that was the main impetus for this viewing, but this is still one of the few films that I can watch over and over again a still get a (little) twinge of terror somewhere within the runtime. This was not the "Version You've Never Seen Before", but just the regular old version everyone's seen before. I prefer it that way. Spider-walking is fucking cool as hell, but the original will always be 327570467603 times better than the "remix" version. Mind-bogglingly good performances, harsh as fuck content, a brilliant script, and a balls-to-the-wall director -- how can you go wrong? Some things get left out of movies for a reason, god damn it. Although I will admit, omitting Eileen Dietz's screen credit the first time around was pretty messed up!

Movie #188: The Filth and the Fury (2000)

2010-09-26T19:57:00.000-07:00

****
So, yeah. After watching Who Killed Nancy, I got all nostalgic for some Nancy-ness and re-read And I Don't Want To Live This Live in about four hours. (For those who are unfamiliar with the title, it's a biography of Nancy Spungen written by her mother Deborah. It's an absolutely fascinating read and gives A LOT of insight into who "Nauseating Nancy" really was.) That, in turn, got me nostalgic for this documentary, directed by longtime Sex Pistols collaborator and friend Julien Temple, which features an impressive barrage of footage from the band's brief career, including some rare scenes of Sid and Nancy together and separately during interviews. The whole thing is great -- Johnny Rotten, Steve Jones and others all give their sides of the story, cloaked in anonymous shadows as they rattle on about the bad old days; Malcolm McLaren narrates strings of nonsense throughout; the Great RnR Swindle stock footage, archival newsreel collages and rare performances are all enthralling; but when it comes right down to it my favorite parts still have to be the Sid and Nancy interviews. Nancy prods Sid to stay awake, shoving an asthma inhaler in his face to wake him up and swearing at him when he burns her with his lit cigarette. Sid snores disturbingly before snorting awake and mumbling, "Right. Whut's the next question?" Nancy covers her face with huge square sunglasses because "I got a broken nose today" and describes her days jacking off stripclub patrons in New York City. Sid describes heroin withdrawl to Julien in plaintive tones while plopped haphazardly into a lawn chair. And of course, there's this.

I was so inspired by my Nancy renaissance that I made a tribute to her death.

More can be found about this piece at my other blog here.

Movie #187: Tell Me No Lies (2007)

2010-09-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

***
Another Lifetime movie about a mother-daughter relationship, this time centered around a secret that the young girl is keeping from mumsy -- she witnessed a murder at a high school party while the offending teenage perpetrators videotaped the whole ordeal. The high school mini-mob makes her their new target, but Mom (played by Kelly Rutherford) is convinced that her DD is doing just drugs (which she is) and that's the cause of the rocks flying through the window and the car brakes being severed. When one of the teen tyrants finally speaks up and tries to right their wrong, the leader (and coincidentally the son of the local sheriff) takes matters into his own hands. You probably can guess the rest... Struggle. Triumph. Resolve. Sigh. Nothing remarkable about this one. Unattractive actors, bland characters, unreasonable plot twists, unrealistic teenager banter scripted by 46 year-olds -- the usual Lifetime TV movie malarkey. 'Twas a brain mushing hour and twenty-some-odd minutes and I do not recommend it to any self-respecting individual -- and hey, I don't even have that much respect for myself to begin with.

Movie #186: Beverly Hills Madam (1986)

2010-09-22T15:29:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
Faye Dunaway stars as Lil, a madam headquartered in Beverly Hills with a small stable of troublesome high-class escorts: there's Wendy, the "Old Pro" (Bosom Buddies hottie Donna Dixon), whose desire to get a law degree conflicts with her nighttime calling; Claudia, another seasoned veteran who honestly believes that her new engagement to a wealthy San Franciscan will last and keep her out of the biz forever; April (Robin Givens in one of her first roles), a young black girl whose carefree and blase attitude bothers the strict madam; and lastly, there's the new girl in town Julie (Terry Farrell), looking for an exciting life in the city and finding it when Lil scoops her up and saves her from the streets. Just when Lil thinks she's got everything under control, things start falling down around her head. Her once-professionally impeccable girls start tarnishing their stellar reps by drinking, skirting their obligations, and eventually landing themselves in a fatal situation that prompts the expert Madam to drop the business altogether. The film kept me amused with the cast, wardrobe and general silliness, but it's terse ending was a somewhat unsatisfactory wrap up of the highly over-dramatic plot. If you've seen this one already, don't fret. There's always Mayflower Madam with Candice Bergen, or Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss!

Movie #185: She Gets What She Wants (2001)

2010-09-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
Starla, a picture-perfect Texan teen with everything, gets a taste of her own competitive medicine when a visiting French exchange student named Genevieve (Piper Perabo) starts slowly taking over her life. At first determined to show her town the hospitality of a true beauty queen, Starla assumes her guest is just getting adjusted to her new home, but it soon becomes apparent that the foreigner aims to completely ruin her standing in the community and take over as the new Miss Popular, ousting Starla's place in cheerleading, in her duties as the the school announcement anchor, and stealing her dumb but hunky boyfriend. With her equally devious tactics and the help of a new love interest, Starla does some sneak attacks of her own and discovers the real truth about Genevieve -- which I won't reveal here. There's just too much at stake to spoil it. Let's just say that you'd never ever EVER guess the twist ending. EVER.
P.S. It turns out Genevieve isn't really French at all, but some fellow Texas girl who Starla humiliated during childhood and vowed to one day get revenge. Whoops. I gave it away. I told you you'd never guess!

Movie #184: The Party Never Stops: Diary of a Binge Drinker (2007)

2010-09-21T08:22:00.000-07:00

***
As I've mentioned before, I don't have cable. Not even basic. So I'm constantly missing the pink, lightly scented and delicate flowers called Lifetime Channel movies. Fortunately, thanks to Hulu.com, I can now reacquaint myself with the terrors of raising a child, being a teenager, or living with an abusive spouse -- played out by little known teenage Canadians, the occasional "Hey I Know That Guy", and washed up 1980s female leads (think Tatum O'Neal, Andy MacDowell, Meredith Baxter-Birney-Just-Baxter-Now-Thanks). Sara Paxton plays a young girl headed off to college on an athletic scholarship whose first year of school turns into a non-stop party when she falls prey to peer pressure from her new pals and roomies. When her mother (Nancy Travis) discovers there may be something wrong, she attempts to come to the aid of her daughter with little luck and a lot of sass-talk from her child. Despite all her protestations, however, the cat really comes out of the bag when naughty darling daughty decides to flash her drunken mammaries at a wild spring break beach party and the entire thing is broadcast on the internet for everyone to see. Whhhaaaaaattt.... a... shocker. Pretty much all the events that happened in this movie were typical college student experiences none of which came across as shocking in terms of today's society: drinking a lot, sleeping with random dudes, getting in (very slight) car accidents, missing classes, fucking up your reputation, posting your tits online, having your BFF choke on her own vomit in a frat house... I mean, is there anyone out there that HASN'T had all that shit happen to them? Pshaw.

Movie #183: Defiance (1979)

2010-09-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
Jan Michael Vincent stars as Tommy, a seaman waiting for work while staying in a turbulent New York City neighborhood. Befriending some of the locals, Tommy starts to get to know the inhabitants and also soon becomes aware of the poisonous presence of a street gang called the Souls, whose bullying and violence leave the residents scared and subservient. While everyone shies away from standing up to the thugs, this is Jan Michael V we're taking 'bout here, and he ain't gonna take no shit from the boorish and ill mannered Prince-and-the-Revolution-lookin' mo-fo's calling themselves gangstas. Bet you can guess what happens next! After discovering the cops won't help and don't care, Tommy bands together with some of the more manly members of the community (including an almost fresh-faced Danny Aiello) and stands up to the Souls in a final battle of fists and wits. Nothing new in terms of vigilante films, but it was refreshing having a seaman instead of a Vietnam vet -- although in this instance the two might very well have been pretty interchangeable.

Movie #182: Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland (1988)

2010-09-16T12:44:00.000-07:00

** and 1/2
A tepid entry in the campground horror series where once again viewers follow bloodthirsty camper Angela to the same forested area where she's killed time and time again, this time in a new "mixed" camp for teens, integrating a bunch of upper-class suburban kids with some punks from the inner-city. The inattentive and greedy counselors are aided by another supervisor, a cop who coincidentally lost his son in the other camp the year before. Angela sets about disposing of the campers and counselors, whose idea of camping is drugs, statutory rape and other unwholesome activities looked on with distain from the happy camper. Yeah... other than that, there was no real plot to speak of, so if you've seen Sleepaway II, you probably know what you're in for; the only thing this one really could have had going for it was the gore.. but that also failed miserably. The run-time was filled with lame, uncreative death scenes paired with painfully banal catchphrases flung around by returning Angela portrayer Pamela Springsteen (yes, Bruce's sister) with such apathetic carelessness that it's a wonder why she even bothered to do it ($$$). The one thing that partially saved the "three-quel" was the bad kids vs. the good kids sub-plot... you gotta love late 80's Hollywoodized "toughs": the black kid who loves listening to rap tapes on his boombox, the hispanic L.A. hunk with a chip on his shoulder for the police, and the tough Asian chick (from San Francisco, natch) named -- get this -- Arab (prounced "Aay-Rabb") who goes around calling counselors fucking faggots. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I went to camp with that chick too.

Movie #181: The Dark Crystal (1982)

2010-09-14T22:00:00.000-07:00

**** and 1/2
I realize that lately I have been neglectful of this little blog (and my movie watching in general), and for that I apologize to anyone who still gives a damn. I will let you know, however, that my Dark Shadows marathon is going swimmingly and Chuck and I only have about 878 more episodes to go. With that being said, I am starting to ease myself back into a regular schedule of movie viewing by re-watching the basics... ergo, Dark Crystal. I don't think I should REALLY have to explain the plot... it's a classic movie and most people have probably seen it before, but it's one of the deeper Henson productions, dealing heavily with the hero myth, magic and mystical themes. Brian Froud's jaw-dropping production design mixed with the beautiful puppet artistry of Henson Studios makes this a truly majestic film from beginning to end. A constant parade of impressively designed characters and intricate backgrounds makes it impossible to see every detail in one viewing but also lends itself to the overall wonder. Something like this could never be done today without the implementation of some digital CG additions and would undoubtedly pale in comparison, so the upcoming sequel The Power of the Dark Crystal may just be a lip-biting, eye-squinting, nail-digging experience for die-hard fans of the original.

Movie #180: Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool (1984)

2010-09-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

**** and 1/2
Whenever I'm feeling down, this little motivational VHS from beloved 1980's TV star Mr. T will take me in it's sinewy arms and toss me high up over its head, not really caring where I land or what happens to me on the way down. Various skits and vignettes teach young ones how to "Recoup", respect their mothers, deal with frustration, say no to drugs (with the aid of New Edition -- featuring future crackhead Bobby Brown), and show off their own styles (thereby learning to "table the label") . I seriously doubt any children actually gleaned anything from this ironically amusing garbage, but those same children will definitely get the education of a lifetime 20+ years later when they re-watch this one!

Movie #179: Who Killed Nancy? (2009)

2010-08-21T20:45:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
On October 12, 1978, in Room 100 of the Chelsea Hotel, Nancy Spungen was found dead, crumpled in a pool of her own blood under a bathroom sink. Her boyfriend, Sex Pistols' bassist Sid Vicious, was accused of her murder. The police arrested him, he got out on bail, OD'ed on heroin, and died. The case was closed. But many, including close friends and associates of the destructive couple who had seen them that night, believed that there were other factors to the case that made it a bit more complex. Several acquaintances, cohorts, dealers and actual friends of Sid and Nancy tell their recollections of the nights both of them died, giving various conflicting accounts. Some say Sid was waaaay too high on opiates to have even thought about picking up a knife and stabbing his beloved Nancy. Others say Nancy killed herself -- she was, after all, extremely self-destructive and mentally ill. Still others blame seperate participants, including a nameless drug-dealer and performance artist Rockets Redglare. This was a decent enough film, though there was an abysmal overuse of pointless "arty" animated sequences and some of the interview subjects were really hard to believe, particularly since the majority of them were hangers-on and using heavy drugs at the time, which doesn't exactly add to their credibility factor. Did Nancy want to die? Sure. Her whole damn life long. Was Sid prone to violence before this incident? Positively. His abuse towards Nancy particularly worsened in the weeks and months before October 1978. Was it a relationship fueled by drugs, annihilation and apathy? Well, DUH... of course! So the question still remains: Did Sid kill Nancy? My response would be a definite "Uh... yesh."

TV Show #13: Art Safari (2005)

2010-08-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

****
This brilliant series of programs hosted by my newest nerd-crush Ben Lewis takes viewers on a questioning, sometimes skeptical and always hilarious look at modern art, the host often becoming stuck on his opinions as to whether or not the work is actually worth being called "art". Artists Maurizio Cazatlan, Wim Delvoye, Matthew Barney, Takeshi Murakami and many others are examined, interviewed, skewered and appreciated by Lewis -- whose often leery and uncomfortable queries catch many of the artists off guard... even pissing some of them off in the process. This was a totally enthralling and unforgettable set of educational episodes, with the exception of the show featuring the dreadful Sophie Calle, whose French pomposity and arrogance irritated me so much that I couldn't take more than a couple of minutes of it. Other than that, though, pure entertainment! One of the funniest segments was Lewis' interviews with German Gregor Schneider, whose answers at times consisted of nothing but protracted silences. It's my favorite new way to answer a stupid question (Chuck and I now refer to it as "giving the Schneider" -- unfortunately not shown in the clip below).

Movie #178: The Cross and the Swtichblade (1970)

2010-08-19T18:16:00.000-07:00

****
A movie with PAT BOONE? AND ERIK ESTRADA?!!! WHAAAAA? Yep, that's right. It happened. Boone stars as the open minded, do-goodin' minister David Wilkerson, who arrives in the boroughs of New York City looking to defend a group of street toughs put on trial for gang activity by introducing them to the word of the Lord. When word of his feel-good grassroots appeal spreads, gang members from neighborhoods all over take a liking -- and disliking -- to the new honky on the block. Making friends with some younger street urchins and working with law enforcement and a local congregation, Pastor Dave attempts to collaborate a gang-friendly church service to gain the confidence of the gang bangers and pump some spirituality into them, but his first tries fall against deaf, rowdy ears and the primary attempts of force-feeding faith to the delinquents is a miserable failure. Kids are stabbed, pushed out of windows, hooked on heroin, but no conversions. But Gall darn and Boone it all, Dave isn't gonna give up on these kids! They're poor, they're unfortunate, they're neglected -- they're perfect candidates for salvation! So with his bravado in his pocket and a bible in his hand, he reaches out to one of the hardest to reach members, Nicky Cruz (a verrrry young and, dare I say it, handsome Estrada), whose vehement refusal to listen and macho-leader attitude makes him the perfect conversion challenge. A chiseled and filed down version of events that apparently really happened, but IMHO you might as well add unicorns and fairydust to the damn plot because I'm fairly certain this movie doesn't even come close to reality of violent street life, even in the `60s.

Movie #177: Just Ask My Children (2001)

2010-08-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
Virginia Madsen stars as a mother to two young boys who gets caught up in a county-wide investigation on child molestation charges in her small California community. Both she and her husband are arrested and thrown in jail with little explanation or reasons given, only to find out later that one of the mother of one of her friends had created the false allegations in order to retain custody of her own grandchildren. While they try to explain to the authorities the error in their arrests, their own children are interrogated for hours on end until they finally are forced to lie to the detectives and agree to the ridiculous molestation accusations. The kids are taken away and put into foster care, and mom and dad are thrown in prison with no real defense given at their trial. After years of sitting behind bars, the couple are given a gleam of hope when a new attorney agrees to try to re-open their case. This drama was based on actual events, giving a somewhat sillier, more Lifetime-movie-of-the-month feel than the story really deserves. Fortunately two very able filmmakers made a recent documentary on the case called Witch Hunt that sheds a lot more light on the reality of the events.

Movie #176: God's Cartoonist: The Comic Crusades of Jack Chick

2010-08-08T11:45:00.000-07:00

****
An illuminating documentary foray into the extremely private world of Fundamentalist comic book artist Jack T. Chick. You've probably found his rectangular religious tracts on the bus or in a phone booth (whatever that is) -- you even might own a couple (I myself have a small collection from over the years). Chances are, since you're reading this blog, you probably either think they're deliriously-worded, decently illustrated garbage or just plain hilarious drivel. You may be particularly confused as to where the hell this guy comes up with this stuff. Well, this film will give you your answers. Talking to various Chick researchers, fellow artists, debunkers, naysayers and avid followers, the director gets an almost-fully sketched portrait of the mysterious man behind the mania. Apparently swayed by several kooks over the course of his career, Chick implemented a slew highly controversial beliefs into his artwork, including derogatory views of Catholics, Muslims, Jews, homosexuals, foreigners, and other already maligned social groups. One of the more interesting interviews is with an actual Chick Publications artist named Fred Carter, a surprisingly low-key and rational African American gentleman whose beautifully rendered drawings are some of the best work featured in the books. If you've ever held a Chick comic in your hands and had any -- however slight -- questions as to who Jack Chick really is (or if he even exists) I recommend this film!

Movie #175: Join Us (2006)

2010-08-06T20:35:00.000-07:00

****
This utterly fascinating documentary follows former members of Mountain Rock Chuch in South Carolina, a fundamentalist cult run by German "Reverend" Raimund Melz and his wife Deborah, as they attempt to break free from the Melz's psychological bondage by visiting the only live-in cult-rehabilitation center in the United States. Memories of ridiculous child abuse, everyday life restrictions, financial manipulation and mind control all come flooding back in the therapy sessions, leading some to realize their mistakes and others to question whether they're really doing the right thing. One woman in particular, Tonya Rogers, feels quite strongly that she shouldn't have left and that the therapists are trying to plague her with "demons", even though her young daughter (who suffered much of the abuse) continually gives her intelligent and mature reasons why they should never go back. The group bands together in hopes of launching a lawsuit, attempting to get incriminating evidence on hidden cameras and secure a lawyer to take their case, but they find little in the way of legal help thanks to the unusual nature and general spottiness of their situation. I am always amazed at how simple-minded people can be lead into joining cults and stay there against their will, but this also gives an excellent example of the little-seen after-effects of cult life. Interviews with both the Melzes (both on camera and hidden) bring a sickening shot of reality to the victims' descriptions and will more than likely leave viewers with a sour taste in their mouths for days afterward.

Movie #174: Once is Not Enough (1978)

2010-08-04T21:30:00.001-07:00

*** and 1/2
This tawdry tale from Valley of the Dolls author Jacqueline Susann tells the story of an Academy award-winning producer (played by Kirk Douglas) whose daughter comes home from a Geneva rehabiliation facility after crashing on a motorcycle only to find her dear father re-married to a weatlhy, uncaring woman solely for her money. She flies into a fit of jealousy based off of her incestous attraction to Daddy Dearest and runs off to an older, cranky bestselling-author (and despised rival of her father), immediately starting a torrid affair with him even though she's fully aware of his marriage of convenience to another woman twice her age. As both father and daughter come to realize that their true loyalties lie with each other, various tragedies rear their ugly heads and interrupt the joyous reunion. While I love a good trashy tale as much as the next gal (I was reading entire V.C. Andrews' series by the time I was 10 years old) I couldn't help but get the sense that this was a fairly auto-biographical story, in which case it's waaay TMI. It's pretty hard to believe that Kirk Douglas agreed to be in this, but I'm sure he got a handsome salary for it. The best part of the whole thing was the hastily-thrown together 80's introduction by Joan Collins, curled up on her couch, giving the basic plotline and anecdotes in her cat-like purr of a voice, all the while her wiggly lavender-blue eyes struggling to read the cue cards in front of the camera. Even though Collins had nothing to do with Once is Not Enough directly, she did manage to slap her "Joan Collins Collection" brand on the front cover, forever forging her name with erotically dramatic cinema vomit.
But then again, it IS Joan Collins!

TV Show #12: Max Headroom Disc 1 (1987)

2010-07-31T12:48:00.000-07:00

****
I really, really loved this TV show when I was a kid. Usually if that's the case, there's a good chance that I will absolutely despise it as an adult -- I've tried re-watching Get Along Gang, Jem, All My Children, and Small Wonder, and none of them held that magical appeal they had when I was six or seven. Apparently Max Headroom is a major exception to the rule, because I enjoyed the shit out of this disc whilst watching it. Set "20 minutes into the future" (yeah right), the show centers around Edison Carter, an investigative reporter for major TV corporation Channel XXIII, which broadcasts via always-on TVs scattered everywhere and controls the majority of the run-down city. After getting involved in a coma-inducing accident, Edison is "reborn" when the Channel XXIII tech geek Brice develops a computer program that will regenerate Carter's thoughts into a computer generated, wise-cracking and omnipresent figure named Max Headroom, who sets the evil corporate heads straight and helps the reporter with his stories. Also starring Amanda Pays and Jeffrey Tambor as Edison's newsroom co-workers and various others in side roles, like William Morgan Sheppard of Elvira Mistress of the Dark fame as a van-driving post-apocalyptic punk rocker. Episode plots from the first disc included sped-up advertisements that make viewers explode, a dangerous form of derby skateboarding called "Raking" (my personal favorite), and dubiously-run body-disposal banks. Highly recommended for anyone who even kinda liked the series when it was on, and a fabulous reminder of a simpler time, when TV's weren't flat and a typing a bunch of gibberish and backslashes was the only way to log onto a computer.

Movie #173: Fish Tank (2009)

2010-07-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

***
This British drama revolves around a young teenage girl named Mia growing up in a somewhat rundown neighborhood and her relationship with her mother's new boyfriend. Wanting to make it into the hip-hop dance business, Mia practices her meager dance moves in an abandoned studio, wearing dowdy sweats and the usual baggy hip-hop gear reserved for would-be breakers. Her low self-esteem becomes somewhat boosted when mommy's new man compliments her on her dancing, inspiring her to try out for a dancing gig. With this newfound confidence, however, the relationship between her and mum's new beau takes a turn for the sexy-worst and they end up having a passionate encounter, which prompts him to leave for good and her to discover his other dirty secrets he's been hiding from her family. I watched this one only to double check that the scratched disc played all the way through, so I wasn't expecting anything great and really didn't get anything great. It was just another one of those hit-and-miss This is England-meets-Kids-styled dramas that presents a bunch of detailed, uncomfortable life situations in weird close-up angles, buttered with a greasy layer of shaky cam.

Movie #172: Uncle Tom's Cabin (1927)

2010-07-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
This silent film adaptation of Harriet Beecher Stowe's popular novel tells of several slaves and their various circumstances as they are sold or traded to other plantations and owners before the Civil War determines their final freedom. Old Uncle Tom is sent away from his family on their original plantation to work for a sick young girl, while the fair skinned Eliza and her new husband Harry must go on the run to protect their new love and their young son from the evil clutches of their new meanie-pants master. I'm not terribly fond of silent films, mainly because of my abysmal lack of patience and short-attention span, but this entry kept me unusually rapt. I wasn't familiar with the details of the story so I did get a bit confused at parts, but overall it had enough drama and action to keep it going. A couple of the characters were befuddling -- I was convinced the little boy was a girl for the first half of the picture, and the little girl who played Topsy in blackface was so disturbing that it was hard to look directly at her for extended periods of time.

Movie #171: Forbidden World (1982)

2010-07-21T22:24:00.000-07:00

** and 1/2
This New World Pictures follow-up to Galaxy of Terror places more galactic adventurers in the depths of outer space, this time trapped on a space station with an escaped mutant alien experiment hungry for human flesh and able to take on the human form while disintegrating its victims from the inside. Not a terribly fantastic sequel or fascinating film in general, having a few moments of gloppy gore and tawdry sex scenes -- as would be expected -- but involving no stand-out actors and presenting nothing as memorable as a maggot-rape! This time, it was more along the lines of Aliens meets John Carpenter's The Thing... not that it helped or anything.

Movie #170: Galaxy of Terror (1981)

2010-07-19T01:01:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
This tasty Alien rip-off from producer Roger Corman's New World studio was a meager production for its time but ended up being laden with some major stars: Erin Moran (Joanie from TV's Happy Days), future Freddy Kruger Robert Englund, Red Shoe Diaries director Zalman King, Twin Peaks' Grace Zabriske and the pock-marked visage of Sid Haig. A group of intergalactic explorers are haunted by their own fears to the point where their inner terrors manifest themselves in blood thirsty, alien-induced deaths. A variety of Giger-esque, slimy, sharply clawed and toothed extraterrestrial beings kept things interesting, and the WAY above-par performances gave it a professional sheen lacking in most early 80s Corman productions. Amusingly archaic and anachronistic technology was another titillating factor, with frequent views of big clunky computers with yellow and brown plastic buttons, whirring sounds and blinky lights. There were also a bunch of scenes that featured pretty chintzy foley audio work, reminiscent of the squishy Smurfs paint bucket sound effect. I'll ruin the ultimate highlight, but only because it will make you want to see it: a sloshy, giant slug rape!!

TV Show #11: Look Around You Season 1 (2001)

2010-07-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

****
If you were in grammar school during the late 1970s or early 1980s, you were more than likely subjected to science classroom films, made on menial budgets, performing pointless and heavy handed experiments, and all around a painfully dull experience. This British show takes inspiration (and frustration, I'm sure) from those dreaded crappy film reels and transforms them into a hilarious parody of misinformation and half-truths, engaging in absolutely asinine projects that have no basis in the scientific -- or regular -- world: mixing sulphur with champagne to make "Sulphane", training ants to construct igloos, drilling holes into fellow scientists skulls and other delightfully hilarious undertakings by the hapless experimenters. The tiny, 9-minute episodes are so convincingly archaic looking that the first time I watched it I was absolutely convinced I was watching a PBS show from 1982. Guest starring Brit actors Nick Frost, Simon Pegg, and others whose names escape me. And yes, Germs DID originate in Germany. But everyone already knows that.

Movie #169: House on Haunted Hill (1959)

2010-07-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

***
Vincent Price plays a wealthy man who holds a party for a group of complete strangers, offering each of them $10,000 if they can stay the night in his supposedly haunted mansion. The guests, all unacquainted with each other and their host, believe this will be an easy way to earn some much-needed money and scoff at the "haunted" aspect of their temporary abode. Price and his selfish but beautiful wife make no secret of their vitriol towards each other, even in front of the guests, their mutual hatred made even more menacing by a history of his previous three wives who have died or disappeared mysteriously. As the guests start getting more curious and exploring the house, they are greeted by wild-eyed floating specters ("Oh, that's just the housekeeper."), hanging corpses, vats of acid, decapitated heads in boxes and other "frightening" (for 1959) occurrences that convince them it may not be worth the money after all. A bland William Castle production whose "twist" ending can be spotted from a mile away (particularly if you're familiar with Castle's work) , but whose quaint classic horror performances still give the film some oomph to put it back on its feet.

Movie #168: Common Bonds - aka Chaindance (1991)

2010-07-16T21:01:00.000-07:00

***
Oh shit. I was soooooo woefully unprepared for the "OH my fucking GAWD" factor that this film had in store for me. I'm actually unsure if my description will do it "justice", but here goes: Michael Ironside plays J.T., a bad-ass tough guy who brazenly shoots up a police car, sending him immediately to jail. While there, he and another group of offenders are chosen by a social worker (Rae Dawn Chong) to participate in a work program. When they arrive at their "workplace", it slowly sinks in that they have now become volunteers at a convalescent hospital, taking care of severely disabled wheelchair-bound patients (no diseases were actually specified in the plot, leaving the viewer to make the diagnoses for themselves -- I chose Cerebral Palsy). J.T. is handcuffed to the wheelchair of the handsome but ornery and difficult Johnny (Brad Dourif, an actor who seemingly LOVES playing crazies, retards and other confined mental deficients/invalids), who's first garbled and drawn-out statement to the jailbird is "FOOD, asshole!" That pretty much sets the course for the relationship, with Johnny playfully (and not so playfully) ribbing his new caretaker as the exasperated and edgy convict begrudgingly balances his new charge's antics with the everyday drama and intensity of prison life. Of course, after a while, they're learning new things from each other and filling in each other's gaps, eventually warming to one another so much that J.T. decides, in a One Flew Over inspired gesture, to take Johnny into town to get laid for the first time. At points this film was so torturous in its script and performances that it gave me little hope for humanity in general and decayed my faith in Dourif's acting ability in particular -- although to be honest, he must have studied Cerebral Palsy patients very hard before going in front of the camera. But that doesn't make it any more soul-draining than Riding the Bus With My Sister or Bill on His Own.

P.S. I am fully aware there are a variety of differences between mental retardation, cerebral palsy and Rosie O'Donnell.

Movie #167: Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)

2010-07-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

****
Cary Grant stars as Mortimer, the freshly-married nephew to two old women with a penchant for poisoning elderly gentleman who board in the innocent-mannered ladies' house. While Mortimer attempts to sort out the morbid situation involving the corpse he's just discovered in his aunts' window seat (as well as 11 others buried in the cellar), he must also contend with a confused new wife, an insane uncle who thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt, and the arrival of Mort's long lost brother Johnny, who brings with him both his own personal plastic surgeon (Peter Lorre) and yet another corpse, complicating things beyond belief. An effective little comedy that still rings darkly funny almost 70 years later, with terrific performances from Grant and the two aunts, who were riotous in their skewed sweetness and misplaced "charity" attempts. The sly, quick script also pokes fun at other cinema of the period, including film noir, Hitchcock, gangster films and Universal Studios Frankenstein.

Movie #166: Joan Crawford: The Ultimate Movie Star (2002)

2010-07-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

****

Joan Crawford's onscreen and offscreen life and relationships are discussed and dissected by biographers, co-stars, ex-husbands, directors, and her daughter, Christina Crawford, whose book Mommie Dearest turned Joan's image from a glamourous movie siren into a campy, abusive, lipstick- smeared mess flinging ajax and coat hangers. The documentary tells her history from her start in show business as a flapper and charleston dancer, then working her way up to bit parts at MGM, and finally launching her career as a major force in the Hollywood studio circuit. A stalwart perfectionist and all-around tough broad, she wouldn't take no for an answer, a position and attitude that lead both to her popularity and her downfall. After decades of many cinematic triumphs and several flops, she was relegated to a string of campy horror films towards the end of her career, ending with the atrocious (even by my standards) Trog. Her personal life was filled with unsuccessful marriages, tawdry affairs, alcoholism, overindulgence and abuse, as well as other tragic twists and turns that did not go unnoticed by the Hollywood set. Most people know about the maniacal stance Crawford took toward cleanliness thanks to Faye Dunaway's jaw-dropping Mommie Dearest performance, but daughter Christina lends her own theories on several domestic rumors perpetuated by the media, including her obsession with cleaning floors herself (apparently she "made [the kids] do it") and wire hanger paranoia. All around, an excellent, if not surprising, little doc (available as a special feature on the DVD for Mildred Pierce) that sheds some light on some of the more controversial aspects of Crawford's life while still memorializing her acting ability and inspirational glamour... but the most fun for me was seeing all the pictures of Joan knitting on various movie sets!

Movie #165: Nightmare Weekend (1985)

2010-07-05T23:23:00.000-07:00

** and 1/2
Quick, sloppy synopsis: A group of girls are mysteriously invited to a huge house for a weekend getaway by a doctor performing experiments involving a shiny metal flying ball that transforms people into zombies. I can't really further explain the plot description, since I barely understood it myself. The simple acting was shaded by thick and musky voiceovers (hiding Italian accents, no doubt), the gore and violence came irregularly and remained pathetically unrealistic looking, but at least the titty-flash count was high and the run-time included both aerobicizing and shitty dancing scenes. Produced by Troma Video, whose coarse, independently gritty feel was only slightly present in films of this era, building to a crescendo somewhere in the mid-90s.

Movie #164: Hair (1979)

2010-07-05T00:46:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
Milos Forman (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest) directs this movie adaptation of the famous 1960s musical production following a group of hippies as they befriend a young soldier named Bukowski (John Savage) leaving for Vietnam in a few days. The "leader" of the ragtag group of love-children, Berger (Treat Williams), attempts to show Bukowski the lighter side of life, crashing a rich beautiful woman's wedding dinner, skinny-dipping, giving him drugs, and sharing the gypsy-urchin experience with the wide-eyed, corn-fed country boy. Filled with original songs from the Broadway production that somehow don't quite make the cut when compared with the superior stage versions. Although I have seen this film many times before, this time around I really felt the disappointment for the song renditions because I have been incessantly listening to the original soundtrack of the 1960s stage musical. Treat Williams bothers me to no end with his shaggy, clumpy locks and jumpy-twirl dancing playfully puffing out his too-wide bellbottoms, and John Savage should not be allowed to be in musicals (even if it was another person's dubbed voice recording doing the songs). Nell Carter and Martha Rae have tiny yet enjoyable cameos, and Beverly D'Angelo does a fine job but also ruins it for me during the "Hare Krishna" song -- now whenever I hear it I think of her flying around pregnant in a wedding dress. "Electric Blues" indeed.

Movie #163: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (2009)

2010-07-02T15:45:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2

I'm feeling too lazy to write a review for this one. I liked it fine. The lead actress was really good and there were three rape scenes. It's highly derivative plotline bothered me a bit though. Here's the trailer.

Movie #162: Handmade Nation (2009)

2010-06-26T23:11:00.000-07:00

****
Modern arts and crafts around the U.S. are documented in this indie film following the crafting revolution, going from coast to coast, craft fairs to boutique shops and beyond to hunt out some of today's most prolific and important artists and craftsters. Crafting "celebrities" such as Jenny Hart of Sublime Stitching, "Stitch N Bitch" author Debbie Stoller, the yarnbombing collective Knitta, several members of the Austin Craft Mafia and many others are profiled and interviewed, many giving intelligent, useful advice and information to those interested in picking up a crafty hobby (or occupation). Then there were some other fascinating people I was unfamiliar with, such as a woman who makes pornographic hook-rugs that are to die for and a uniquely spunky glass bead maker producing beautiful jewelry pieces using a kit she ordered through the mail. The awesome San Francisco stores Little Otsu and Needles and Pens were also showcased, giving a little shoutout to the awesome craftiness my hometown has to offer. A very inspirational documentary; even if you have no interest in glass blowing, paper engineering or needlework, I'd still recommend watching it! It's currently available for online rental at Amazon, where I watched it, and also has a companion book featuring works from the artists in the movie.

Movie #161: Warlords of the 21st Century - aka Battletruck (1982)

2010-06-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

** and 1/2

I'm going to be completely honest with you. During this point in the week I was heavily distracted by other life things (like my July marriage), so I don't really remember much of this movie. I can tell you it was an Italian post-apocalyptic Mad Max rip-off (but you could have gathered that by reading the tags for this post anyway), and featured the usual haphazardly constructed metal framed utility vehicles rolling precariously around sand dunes carrying leather-clad mullet-bearers out to (probably) save some precious resource -- one that's commonly available now, but will be nearly extinct in the future. Yeah... without actually recollecting any of it, that's probably how it went.

Movie #160: William Kunstler: Disturbing the Universe (2009)

2010-06-22T22:30:00.000-07:00

****
A documentary on famous and controversial civil rights lawyer William Kunstler, made by his two daughters in an attempt to understand and commemorate his life's work of taking on high profile and otherwise untouchable clients -- defending black panthers, members of the Chicago 10, famous mafia dons and other misfits, oddballs and outcasts. His perseverance and fortitude won him many accolades and admirers, as well as a few enemies, often putting his family at risk and leaving them questioning wether or not it was all really worth it. Although I'm usually not very fond of uber-personal documentaries made by siblings, offspring or spouses (how objective can that really turn out?), this biography seemed to serve as both some kind of healing process and explanation for Kunstler's daughters, giving the documentary a bit more meaning that others in a similar vein (My Father the Genius and Manhattan, Kansas both come to mind).

Movie #159: TV Carnage: Let's Work It Out (2010)

2010-06-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

*****

Ughhhhhhh!!! That's the sound of me flexing my enjoyment muscles that have been beefed up by the awesomely nutritious new TV Carnage, available now! Get ready to sweat harder than you ever have before watching minute after minute of unfortunate celebrity workout tapes, jazzercizing nightmares and toe-touching trauma. Seriously folks, this shit is the most golden TV Carnage I have seen yet (and I have seen 'em ALL)! You will get results from this little gem and start feeling the burn immediately. I was doubled over with laughter, which sculpts the fuck out of your abominable muskulls. Order your copy today, pay for it, then freak out while it takes Pinky Carnage over a month to get it sent out to you! (Don't worry, it WILL come and you WILL enjoy it. It IS worth the wait!) www.tvcarnage.com

Movie #158: The Golden Girls: An XXX Parody (2010)

2010-06-20T23:52:00.000-07:00

***

God, do I HAVE to write a review for this??? Let's just say:

A) I watched the whole thing. In two parts. With breaks in between.

B) I am depressed that somewhere between 1998 and now Raylene became a MILF.

C) I am depressed that I now am also considered a MILF. Not because I have or intend to have children, but because I'm ~~not 12~~ over 30.
D) Yes, the Estelle Getty character has a sex scene. It was a girl-girl, although the other "girl" looked suspiciously like a post-op tranny... even down there.

E) Actual Golden Girls plots were utilized. Not in a clever way, mind you.

F) I will admit that the tagline "Travel down their pants and back again" made me chuckle pretty intensely.
Yeah... that is all.

Movie #157: Bluebeard (2009)

2010-06-20T13:45:00.000-07:00

****
Controversial director Catherine Breillat directs this interpretation of the classic French story about a rich aristocrat with a blue beard and a history of quick marriages that end in the disappearance of his many wives. A bold young village girl becomes his new object of desire, and her family is offered riches beyond belief for her hand in marriage. After moving into Bluebeard's castle and showing no repulsion or fear around him, their relationship grows and he starts to appreciate her presence. While he is away on business, BB gives the girl free rein of the gigantic castle, but on one particular excursion he warns her not to go into a particular room -- and gives her the key anyway. Of course her girlish curiosity wins over and she goes into the room... but I ain't gonna say what happens! Tee hee. A very beautifully filmed, softly acted and creative yet terse (but not too terse) adaptation of the fairy tale, which I grew up with and was quite fond of as a morbid young girl.

Movie #156: David Cross: Bigger and Blackerer (2010)

2010-06-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
The sarcastic comedian and Mr. Show creator comes to the stage once more for another set of tirades. Speaking about his usual subjects (religion, drugs, commercial products and modern society), this time Cross comes off a little more mature, not so quick to judge, and, dare I say it, a wee bit more sensitive. I mean, he's still lil' Davey Cross, but his rough edge has definitely been filed down with age and success. At one point David even says Dane Cook "isn't that bad"! Pssshaw, whhhhaaaaatt??! I will concede that this DVD was wayyyyyy better than his first DVD Shut Up You Fucking Baby, which gave a horrible representation of his fanbase and standup, but it definitely ain't no haredcore-I-don't-give-a-care 1998 Cross that we all know and love. My favorite joke of the set was the one he ended with: "My whole life I've suffered from depression, going to therapists since I was 16. But you know what? I recently realized that it turns out the whole time I just had a rock in my shoe."

Movie #155: Mysterious Two (1982)

2010-06-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

***
\Drama/sci-fi TV movie about a couple (John Forsythe and Priscilla Pointer) who appear to a small group on top of a hill, promising them eternal life and happiness in another realm when the white-robed pair return in a short while. The rumors and excitement about the couple build, prompting a massive gathering of young and old, made up of both serious believers and curious onlookers, as well as the media and local police force. Some of the more fervent believers in the crowd concentrate on what will happen to them after their "arrival" and if they will even be allowed to go, and other, more skeptical friends and family members try to convince them to come to their senses and stay on earth. All the while, the "Two" scan the surroundings and ponder when the "right time" will come, eventually exiting their transportation tent (or whatever the fuck it was supposed to be) and inviting certain followers in. A pretty odd adventure with a mix of some fun and boring scenes and not much in the way of an ending or explanation, leaving the whole "Aliens or Cult Members?" question wide open for speculation. Priscilla Pointer gives her usual glass-eyed and motherly performance, and Forsythe does a decent enough job, but the general hysteria and kookiness of the followers that could have been played up wonderfully was dismally watered down, no doubt thanks to the TV movie aspect and the as-yet-unexploited "dangers of cults" influx of the early 1980s.

Movie #154: Ratatouille (2007)

2010-06-16T23:59:00.000-07:00

****
Definitely one of the most enjoyable and funny Pixar/Disney offerings, this wonderful story tells about a chef of rodentine proportions named Remy whose dreams of cooking in the once-famous restaurant Gusteau's suddenly come true when he makes friends with an awkward new busboy nicknamed Linguini. With their new-found relationship and conveniently figured hair-steering mechanism, Remy can control Linguini's hands to make some of the most delicious food to come out of Gusteau's kitchen in years. However, the diminutive head chef at Gusteau's has his doubts about the situation and remains determined to get to the bottom of Linguini's sudden burst of culinary talent, while Remy's father also tries to intervene and convince him to go back to eating trash. A very funny, excellently written, wonderfully animated and well-voiced production. The DVD also features the fantastic shorts Lifted and Your Friend the Rat, the latter being the main reason why I decided to re-watch this little gem.

Movie #153: Dream a Little Dream 2 (1995)

2010-06-14T17:44:00.000-07:00

** and 1/2
My review for this film can be read in Movie Puke issue #1: Corey Vs. Corey, available here.

Movie #152: One in a Million: The Ron LeFlore Story (1978)

2010-06-13T23:30:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
Levar Burton plays Ron LeFlore, a major league baseball player whose troubled youth landed him in prison for robbery. When he first arrives at prison, Ron takes a "nobody ain't gunna make me do nuthin'!" attitude, until he realizes the futility of that stance and changes his tune. After learning his younger brother is involved with drugs, Ron makes a plea to an older inmate to help him find a loophole to get out early, who tells him that the baseball team would be one path he could try. At first skeptical, Ron warms up to the idea when he figures out he actually excels at the sport, far exceeding any of the prison staff's expectations. Shortly thereafter, thanks to an onslaught of letters from other prisoners and team members, Ron is let out on a day pass so he can try out for the Detroit Tigers. After impressing the coach Billy Martin (played by real-life Billy Martin), LeFlore returns to prison with renewed faith that he will be released and make it into the Majors. And of course, he does... but not without further hardships and tragedy along the way. A somewhat moving little story, made less schmaltzy by fine cast members like Madge Sinclair as Ron's mommy. The prison scenes, remarkably tame but more realistic than some, got me really thinking how much I would never be able to survive in such a place. And as for the sport, I fucking hate baseball; it's entirely boring and pointless, IMHO (when it comes on TV in our household it's known as "Gay Sex"), but as you may know, I will always appreciate some Levar Burton action, this time with a the added bonus of a painful life story! God, how I love you, Levar Kunte Geordie LeFlore! TAKE MY WORD FOR IT!

Movie #151: TV Carnage: Sore for Sighted Eyes (2003)

2010-06-13T20:28:00.000-07:00

*****
Indescribably hilarious footage from ridiculous TV and movies come together in this mash-up from Heaven. Traci Lords' brief aerobicizing career, swearing cartoon firemen, frightening Canadian mimes, painfully unfunny comedians, obese babies and the enigma that is Arsenio Hall are just some of the wonderful delights that this collection of Carnage has to offer. I seriously thank the Gods and Goddesses every time I pop a TVC into my DVD player.
If you've never seen a TV Carnage DVD, do yourself a huge favor and head on over to tvcarnage.com and buy yourself one or all of them. You can thank me later.

Movie #150: Tristan and Isolde (2002)

2010-06-13T14:30:00.000-07:00

***
An French animated version of the classic tale of tragedy and romance, without the tragedy part. A headstrong prince named Tristan defeats a menacing warrior threatening his village, but must travel to another land to get a cure for his poisoned wound. He is helped by a lovely princess named Isolde, whose mother (unknownst to them) was the one responsible for the poison. As they start to fall in love, their romance is ruined when Isolde discovers that Tristan defeated her Uncle, who was then banned from her island. Working against the wills of Isolde's parents and Tristan's wood sprite helper Puck, the determined prince sets his sights on winning the princess back into his good graces. This English version was heavily edited from the original, with many cuts interfering with the continuity and plot of the film. The mixture of fine art and computer animation was well done, but the voiceovers were terrible and didn't go with the characters at all. I was fairly unfamiliar with the tale of Tristan and Isolde begin with, so I wasn't put off by the cutesy-fication of the original, but I can imagine it would be considered blasphemous by fans of the story.

Movie #149: America the Beautiful (2007)

2010-06-13T03:20:00.000-07:00

****
A disturbing look at the lengths Americans will go for beauty and their obsession with aesthetic perfection, this documentary primarily follows Gerren Taylor, a 12-year old who became a supermodel walking the New York runways at respected fashion houses like Marc Jacobs and Tommy Hillfiger. Talking with Gerren's (rightfully) concerned teachers and principal, her pressuring manager mother (who, in one of the most irritating comments of the film, suggests that the principal doesn't want her daughter to miss school for modeling because "she must have been fat when she was younger or something"), and myriad fashion experts praising her look and stature, it soon becomes apparent that the pre-teen has no idea what kind of disappointing fall from grace awaits her at the end of her short-lived popularity. In addition, the eye-opening documentary investigates American beauty products and practices, touching briefly on the prevalence of toxic chemicals named Phalates that are in many, many cosmetics (but never listed in the ingredients), and also delving into the scary world of plastic surgery, revealing that any old doctor can call himself a plastic surgeon without being board certified -- during the process discovering that neither of the "plastic surgeons" on the TV program Dr. 90210 are board certified, even though they are constantly making that claim on the show. I was truly disgusted with the majority of the film, but I was also impressed by the handling of the subject matter by filmmaker Daryl Roberts. It was a thought provoking film that had me pondering on its subject for a while after viewing it. There were some totally exasperating and pretty unnecessary segments where typical male chauvinist douchebags related their feelings on female beauty, but for the most part I definitely felt better and more confident about myself after watching all those idiotic nincompoop narcissists. While I'm not going to rush out to get breast implants or have my rib removed, I do love my Phalate-smothered Revlon lipstick too much to give it it up anytime soon.

Movie #148: Committed (1988)

2010-06-12T21:15:00.000-07:00

***
A harrowingly silly little suspense-drama in which a nurse who's recently lost her therapist to suicide travels to a far-off mental hospital in hopes of procuring an RN position there, but once inside the building, finds herself tricked into a contract to commit herself as a patient. Using a theatrical, role-playing line of therapy, each of the patients are allowed to dress and act as whatever they want to be, so new "patient" Susan is given a nurse outfit and told to go about her (fake) duties. Her therapist (Robert Forster) seems to be the only person she can trust, seeing as the director of the hospital (William Windon, who played Dr. Seth on Murder She Wrote!) gives her an uneasy feeling while he ignores her protests and claims of sanity. I can't really describe much more of the plot without giving the entire thing away (I figured it out within the first five minutes of the film), but let's just say if you've seen Don't Look in the Basement you know what's going to happen. In fact, the two were so similar that I wouldn't be surprised to find out Committed was some kind of unsung Don't Look in the Basement remake -- which for reasons unkown is getting an actual remake with Debbie Rochon in 2011, according to IMDb. God help us all!

Movie #147: The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus (1985)

2010-06-12T15:54:00.000-07:00

****
Based on the story by Wizard of Oz author Frank L. Baum, this Rankin-Bass TV holiday production gives the background low-down on Santa Claus -- because everybody's got to get their start somewhere! The Gods of nature gather around a woodland table and discuss whether or not they should give Kris Kringle a chance at immortality, and as they ponder their decision, the history and legend of Santa's life is told by The Great Ak, who found the baby Claus and gave it to a trustworthy fairy and lioness to raise into adulhtood. As he grows older, Claus discovers the joy of giving gifts to children, but runs into several snags on the path to his true calling, the main one being King Agwa, a troll-ish monster who despises smiling, happy children (oh, who doesn't?) and tries to stop the goodwill-maker with his Agwa-ian cohorts. An awesome little animated tale, although it's probably one of the lesser known/loved Rankin Bass productions. The characters were definitely more detailed and less cartoony than a lot of previous R-B's, which I can only assume had to do with a change in animation companies (?) -- the Agwas' outfits and armor were fantastically awesome, the Gods were all wonderfully articulated and sculpted, and the backgrounds were intricately planned and laid out. Another fun aspect is that the story kind of strays from the typical Christmas balderdash, at points leaning more toward Pagan aspects of the original holiday. If you can get your paws on it, I highly recommend this sweet little Christmastime animated treat!

Movie #146: Metalstorm: The Destuction of Jared Syn (1983)

2010-06-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

***
Set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, this 80s sci-fi tells the story of Dogen, a patrolling officer wandering the desert landscape in his all-terrain future-mobile. In his travels, he comes upon a grieving and upset girl named Dhyana (Kelly Preston) who has just lost her father to the evil and malformed Baal while attempting to excavate healing crystals from a cave. Baal's father, Jared Syn, is intent on controlling all the powerful crystal mines in the area. After agreeing to help her find her father's killer, Dogen and Dhyana go on a trek to the Lost City, where they meet up with a washed up ex-soldier named Rhodes who accompanies them on their vengeful journey. Before they reach Syn, however, they must first contend with angry Cyclopian warriors (including Richard Moll!), Baal's troupe of armored goons, and ravenous sand-monsters. The effects were hilariously quaint, but also quite entertaining: Baal's best "weapon" is his metal hand, which unfolds from his arm and ejaculates a debilitating, acidic green fluid that holds his victims captive; the previously mentioned "future-mobile" was (I assume) some kind of Jeep skeleton with a haphazardly constructed plastic boxy frame over the top of it, threatening to pop off at any sudden turn or sandy bump; but the most amusing effects had to be the flying-cycle things on which Dogen and Syn chase through blue-screened otherworldly dimensions that required the rider to sit forward with their ass in the air, reminiscent of the car Mr. Garrison invents in "The Entity" episode of South Park.

Another annoyingly endearing factor was that this was meant to be watched in 3-D, but of course wasn't transferred to VHS that way, so there are lots of pointless closeup shots of trees and sword tips and the like. I can't see old-timey 3-D effects ayway (thanks astigmatism!), but I would have really love-hated to see the flying cycle scene in 3-D, leather-clad asses poised right at the camera and "comin' right at ya"!

TV show #10: Ghostwriter Disc 3 (1992)

2010-06-07T18:47:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
In this set of episodes: the kids try to win a contest where the winning prize is a starring role in a comic book, but find themselves foiled at every turn by "Stoop Dude", a spurned cartoonist trying to get back at the comics publisher; and "Double T", a homeless poet that one of the kids is friends with, turns up missing and prompts the team to try to track him down and reunite him with his teenage daughter. Somehow these two cases weren't as wildly enthralling as the first ones in the season, but still gave me some nostalgic, grammar-related fuzzy feelings inside. With a cameo from Spike Lee and featuring Uncle Jerry from Twin Peaks as Double T!

Movie #145: Until the Light Takes Us (2009)

2010-06-06T21:55:00.000-07:00

****
For someone who's not really into Black Metal music, I sure have seen a good amount of documentaries on the subject -- all of them somewhat interesting in their own way, but none of them being particularly well-made -- so when I was turned onto Until the Light Takes Us I was satisfied that my decently-filmed Black Metal documentary drought would end... and I was right! Not so much a history or exploration of the genre, the film instead tells the distinct stories of two particular bands, Dark Throne and Burzum, while touching on a couple of other performers in the scene who were somehow related to their tales. Besides knowing of each other and both being in the same scene, however, the two bands themselves don't really have a whole lot to do with each other... Fenriz, the lead singer from Dark Throne, expounded on the band's history and his feelings on music and art in general (many of which were neat to listen to, and some others that were just typical silly metalhead blabber) while Varg Vikernes sits in his jail cell and tells the story that landed him there -- with a few points of sheer poetic license and embellishments. If you don't know the whole Lords of Chaos background, that's fine... you still get a good feeling for what the whole shebang is about without getting 738 people putting their two cents in: church burning, murder, "Satanism", nationalism, commercialization of the genre, etc. The cinematography and editing were of a pretty high caliber throughout, with a few scenes standing out as very striking and memorable. So memorable, in fact, that that very evening I had dreams of repeatedly stabbing Black Metal musicians deeply in the shoulders and chest. Yikes!

Movie #144: Dog City (1989)

2010-06-06T18:52:00.001-07:00

****
For the life of me, I do not remember this made-for-TV Muppets production, probably because it was a part of the Jim Henson Hour, a program I never watched (or heard of until recently). This 40-minute puppet comedy presents a film-noir type setting with a cast comprised entirely of various dogs. The lead German Shepherd detective Ace is on the trail of gangster bulldog Bugsy, whose love for "senseless violence" and greed for money put him on Ace's most wanted list. The attention to details and character development were impressive enough, but when you add in the honestly funny dialogue and wonderful props (such as moving miniature vintage cars and realistic-looking sets) this becomes a real Henson classic that deserves some recognition. Highly recommended for all ages!

TV Show #9: Ghostwriter Season 1 Discs 1 and 2

2010-06-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

****
If you're a thirty-something American and you don't remember this PBS kids show, then you missed the fuck out. Airing from 1992 to 1995, Ghostwriter followed around a group of NYC kids who solved various mysteries with the aid of a ghost who could read and write. If you've read my other reviews, then you know I recently became obsessed with the new film Mystery Team, and after watching about 12 episodes of Ghostwriter I'm fairly positive the MT writers based a lot of their material on this show. In these first two discs, the kids get introduced to Ghostwriter; track down a bunch of kids stealing other students' backpacks and leaving mysterious coded messages behind (I figured the codes out pretty early thanks to my bitchin' cryptogram skills); try to discover the culprit behind an arson attempt at a neighborhood video store (remember them?); and see who's behind a nasty school president campaign at the kids' middle school. I'm a total nerd, I know, but I really appreciated the whole "learning as you solve" aspect of the program that helped the young 'uns with their writing and comprehension skills. I was surprised to find that almost 20 years later it was a totally fun and amusing 6+ hours that reminds us all of how the world worked just slightly before the internet and texting were made popular. (Encyclopedias? What the heckaroo are those?) Guest starring Samuel L. Jackson, the dad from ALF, and Ben Seever from Growing Pains!

Movie #143: The Messenger (1986)

2010-06-03T18:51:00.000-07:00

***
Fred Williamson directs and stars in this action-revenge thriller about a man named Sebastian freshly released from prison only to find that life on the outside has changed while he was away: his wife has become a floozy drug-addict and is in deep trouble with the local dealers. When wifey is killed in a violent shooting outside a nightclub, Sebastian vows revenge and sets about hunting down and killing the guilty parties, continuing onto other, unrelated criminals and leaving the police clues that the vigilante "Messenger" -- a biblical reference to the Messenger of Death -- is the responsible party. With the exception of a cocksure and swaggering Williamson, the cast was painfully devoid of talent and acting skills. The production was done in Italy, so about half the secondary cast and extras had such amazingly thick accents that I cursed the VHS tape for not having proper closed captioning (and, as any movie nerd will tell you, you should ALWAYS have the captioning or subtitles on, even if the movie is in English). A highly unoriginal vehicle for Mr. Williamson, particularly seeing as at this point (1986) he had already done at least 2 other movies with the exact same plotline, but still a partially entertaining entry in the vigilante action annals just the same.

Movie #142: Silly Symphonies (various)

2010-06-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
A collection of the early Disney animated shorts that showed off the studio's animation abilities accompanied by songs and music, with DVD introductions from that movie reviewin' guru (and my arch-enemy) Leonard Maltin. Really early, simpler but less interesting cartoons are mixed with some of the later, more detailed and watchable shorts. The Country Cousin, the Three Little Pigs cartoons, Flowers and Trees, The Skeleton Dance, Musicland, Woodland Cafe, and The Ugly Duckling are all featured, as well as many others. I really prefer the later, color shorts that bring more life to the characters than the 1920s black and white 'toons that just stretch their necks up and down and wiggle their arms over and over again. My personal favorite though, would have to be Elmer Elephant! I could watch that adorable baby tiger and petite pachyderm nuzzle muzzles all damn day!

Movie #141: The Wolfman (2010)

2010-05-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

***
It took me a while to see this one, and now after viewing it I'm glad I didn't rush out to see it in the theater. Benecio Del Toro stars as Lawrence Talbot in this remake of the classic Universal horror, returning to his British ancestral home for the funeral of his brother, who had been killed by a mysterious creature in the deep woods outside the estate. When he arrives Larry discovers unemotional and distant father (Anthony Hopkins) occupying the grand house, as well as his brother's beautiful and sensitive fiancee. Of course the inevitable occurs -- Lawrence is attacked, but not killed, by the same ravenous creature that attacked his brother, and goes through his first in a series of lycanthropic changes when the full moon emerges. A Scotland Yard detective works to try to solve the perplexing murder cases that keep popping up all around the area, keeping a sharp eye on Larry, who was institutionalized as a young child after seeing his mother's violent death and remains one of the most likely suspects. All in all, this was a somewhat ho-hum little venture, with a few digital effects that worked, some that didn't, and others that just scraped by on the believability factor. Hopkins was, as always, a pleasure to watch, but wasn't really given a solid enough role to make him into a memorable character. Del Toro did a fine job and all, and I will admit he looks A LOT like Lon Chaney Jr., but there was something not-quite-right and a little unsatisfying about his performance. Backgrounds and sets were largely well done, with a stage play-feel to them that I can appreciate more than the other CG'ed landscapes and townscapes they also threw in there. I actually feel a little dirty after watching it, since the real truth of the matter is that I should have just stayed away from the damn thing -- simply because it's a 21st century remake! Shudder.

Movie #140: Blonde Ambition (2007)

2010-05-30T21:17:00.000-07:00

** and 1/2
Jessica Simpson stars as Katie, a small-town country girl who leaves her "Pop-Paw" -- translation: Grandpa, played by Willie Nelson -- to follow her long-time boyfriend to the Big Apple, where she discovers her beau in bed with another girl and learns his true selfish nature. While staying with an old friend from back home in a dingy and tiny NYC apartment, Katie finds herself covering for her new roomie on a bike messenger gig one afternoon, and along the way she runs into a handsome construction worker (Luke Wilson) who helps her out of a bicycling jam. Once at her destination, a fancy upscale office, Katie upsets one of the higher-ups at the company who, along with her conniving assistant (Andy Dick) concocts a sinister plan to use the country bumpkin as a pawn in her takeover of the company's president (Larry Miller) plus acquisition of the company's latest and biggest client. Ouch. I'm not even sure why I bothered to explain the plot that intensely... it did hurt a little. Simpson is completely without charm and barely aware of the fact that acting roles usually go along with acting ability -- a tip that was not particularly well demonstrated for her by the other members of the cast (specifically Wilson, whose squinty blank gaze and guy smiley teeth had me shielding my eyes from the screen at more than one point). The whole plot and script seemed like they were written for no one other than Jessica Simpson (and perhaps some brain damaged toddlers) to enjoy while still being able to grasp and understand the un-subtle comedic nuances. There was one funny scene though: seeing that horrible, pampered WASP bitch who's probably never been on anything more powerful than a Nordic Track trying to navigate through NYC traffic on a bike (even if it was fake) was laughable to the point of inducing a seizure.

Movie #139: Cabin in the Sky (1943)

2010-05-29T16:29:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
Vincente Minelli (Liza's daddy) directed this black musical about a wayward husband named Joe and his church-going, God-fearing wife Petunia who prays for his soul when he's shot and nearly dies in a gambling house. In a negotiation deal between some angels and Lucifer's son, husband is allowed six months more on earth to decide whether or not he actually makes it into heaven. Having no recollection of his near-death experience, Joe returns to his un-Christian ways and stirs up trouble back on earth when Lucifer Jr. tempts him by awarding him a fat cash lottery prize. Joe leaves his loving wife, gambles, drinks and also has an affair with the local floozy Georgia Brown (Lena Horne) -- all the while ruining his chances at getting through the pearly gates. In between a boatload of entertaining songs and dancing, good ol' Petunia manages to convince the man upstairs to give Joe a second (or third) chance. The cast worked well with what they were given... Ethel Waters does a great job as Petunia and Lena Horne sounds and looks gorgeous. A fairly amusing and fun film, if you don't mind the overt stereotypes and old-fashioned, Hollywood-ized portrayal of African American life.

Movie #138: The World of Hans Christian Andersen (1971)

2010-05-28T22:34:00.000-07:00

** and 1/2
This odd little Japanese animated production directed and voiced by children's show host Chuck McCann serves as a very soft interpretation of an early chapter in the aspiring writer's life, following him and his imaginary friends while he has experiences that will influence his stories in the future. His poor cobbler father works hard to finish a pair of Red Shoes for the snobby princess, Hans' next door neighbor Elisa is forced into becoming a Little Match Girl, the story of Uncle Olie comes to life and there's even a weird flash of Thumbelina and The Little Mermaid in there. The whole shebang was like a hobo's version of a Rankin Bass special, with poorly versed songs, really crappy animation, and hideously drawn characters -- with the exception of a few super Kawaii looking animals and others that were just blatantly ripped off from Disney productions (like the white rose queen from Alice in Wonderland). An intriguing but disappointing little venture whose obscure place in animation history is apparently well-deserved.

Movie #137: Cut-Up: The Films of Grant Munro (various)

2010-05-26T23:31:00.000-07:00

****
This collection of short films from Canadian artist, director and actor Grant Munro showcases the experimental editing/animating style that made him an important force in animation. Clever live-action films like Neighbors and Two Bagatelles explore whimsical use of stop-motion, while more traditionally animated shorts like The Animal Movie and Three Bind Mice still retain distinct airs of originality and display arrestingly impressive draftsmanship. A couple of short documentaries, Boo Hoo and McLaren on McLaren, also reveal the intelligent levity of Munro's work and further add to the variety of this entertaining retrospective.

Movie #136: Disney Rarities (various)

2010-05-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

**** and 1/2
A collection of sensational Disney shorts from the 1930s through the 1960s, featuring such greats as In the Bag, Plunk Whistle and Boom, Lambert the Sheepish Lion, Pigs is Pigs, Paul Bunyan, The Little House, Ferdinand the Bull and many more timeless and wonderfully animated classics. Yes, I watched all five hours on two discs in one night! It's that good. In the Bag still remains one of my favorites... I remember watching it A LOT as a child (it was a special cartoon extra on the Return to Oz VHS tape I used to rent all the time), but even today that catchy tune gets stuck in my head and makes me wonder if it's really that fun to poke trash with a sharpened stick. I bet it is!!

Movie #135: Babysitter Wanted (2009)

2010-05-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

** and 1/2
A religious girl trying to get away from her boorish college roommate and earn some extra money accepts a babysitting job for a quiet little boy consistently dressed in a cowboy outfit. The boy's parents seem nice enough and leave her specific instructions for feeding him, since he's "on a special diet"... which she discovers, after the parents leave, consists of raw, bloody meat. As she settles in for the night, the girl starts hearing strange sounds from outside the house and comes to realize there's a scarred and disfigured old man who eventually breaks into the house and tries to kill the young boy. The valiant babysitter successfully stops the would-be assailant and protects the child, but when the parents arrive back home soon after, she starts to wish she hadn't. I was pretty uninterested throughout the duration, and when it got to the point where it was supposed to be "shocking" (or whatever) I felt so apathetic about the situation that it didn't matter. The actors were okay, but they didn't have much to work with, the plot and script being very unoriginal all around. It was almost as if the writer saw House of the Devil last year and said, "Oh bosh, I can SO do that too! You just watch me." And then missed the mark completely.

Movie #134: Mystery Team (2009)

2010-05-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

****

Yeah, I watched it again. It's still hilarious. For my previous review see here. It comes out on DVD Tuesday, be sure to watch it!

Movie #133: Someone's Knocking At the Door (2009)

2010-05-21T23:58:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
A group of medical students start messing around with a banned anti-psychotic medication that they find in an abandoned hall of the hospital while also listening to tapes of therapy sessions of two disturbed killers that were prescribed the drug and went on to murder their psychiatrist. Soon enough, one of the kids is experiencing severe withdrawals and side effects, eventually dying a violent and bloody death that perplexes law enforcement and sends the other young students into a confused panic/stupor (depending on their disposition and amount of intoxication). The one student who introduced the others to the drug, played by Noah Segan, starts having heavy hallucinations of the two killers, who are in reality devouring their victims through sex, essentially "fucking them to death". Yeah, it sounds pretty stupid -- and for the most part it pretty much was. I don't want to give too much away here, but let's just say that if your movie is going to feature an obese man's elephantitis-inflicted genitalia swinging back and forth as he chases a young girl down a hospital hallway, you'd better make damn sure it doesn't look like some crappy college freshman digital rendering project. Ridiculous without being refreshing, the plot really takes a nose dive at the very end, which wrapped the story up in one of the most over-used (and my most personally detested) "twist" plot devices ever that will surely infuriate more than one person who's bothered to sit through the feature length run time. It's not without it's limited charm however; there was a good amount of decent cinematography (even with that damn shaky cam action) and some nice eye candy from sexalicious Noah Segan, (who was probably being born as I was graduating high school) -- even though he really didn't seem to bother too much with the performance aspect of his role. Whoops, Noah... just because you're playing someone on drugs doesn't mean you should really BE on drugs!

Movie #132: Bauhaus: Shadow of Light (various)

2010-05-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

****
Peter Murphy, David J, Daniel Ash and Kevin Haskins perform live at the Old Vic in London and goth it up fantastically in spooky, MTV-unfriendly situations in this compilation of performances and music videos. Featuring Bela Lugosi's Dead, Hollow Hills, Spirit, She's in Parties, Mask and other '80s Bauhaus tunes that I will never tire of. It's always a pleasure and panty-squeezing experience watching young Peter Murphy's rail thin ass prance around like an elfin spectre (I've seen him live recently, and although it was a wonderful experience, my panties remained thoroughly un-squeezed).

Movie #131: Light of Day (1987)

2010-05-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
A movie with M.J. Fox, Gena Rowlands AND Joan Jett?!! You'd think you were dreaming, right? Well, it's all real. Michael J. plays Joe, a Cleveland factory worker who enjoys the time he spends playing out in the local band he shares with his sister Patti (Joan Jett), whose fervent determination to make it in the music business far outweighs his, despite her responsibilities as a mother to her young son. After the band breaks up, Patti decides to go her own way, going off on tour with a metal group called The Hunnz while her son stays with Joe and their parents. As the two siblings struggle with their differences and respective musical futures, the health and mental stability of their mother (Gena Rowlands) takes a turn for the worse, and the already strained relationship between mother and daughter worsens with no help from withdrawn dad (Jason Miller). A fine cast, relatively solid (but useless) plot, and even a couple of points where I actually misted up with emotion (cinematic dying mothers really get to me). I'm pretty amazed I had never even heard of this film until a few days ago when I was doing some IMDB research on Gena Rowlands and was a bit taken aback to see a related article talking about Joan Jett at the top. Directed by Paul Schrader, with almost doubles the "WHY-have-I-never-heard-of-this-movie-again?" factor.

Movie #130: Left Bank (2008)

2010-05-18T00:27:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
This Belgian horror tells the story of Marie, a young woman who moves in with her new boyfriend into an apartment complex on the left bank of Antwerp. At first filled with bliss and bouts of intense lovemaking, her stay starts becoming uncomfortable when she begins experiencing odd physical symptoms and discovers various mysteries surrounding the apartment's former resident, who disappeared without a trace shortly before Marie and her new beau moved in. As she searches for answers, speaking to the missing girl's ex-boyfriend, researching the area and going over clues, Marie finally discovers something quite sinister and otherworldly in the lower part of the apartment building that changes her forever. That's a pretty ambiguous and opaque synopsis, but I don't want to give away too much. Although it's not like I would really ruin anything -- the ending, like so many other modern Euro horrors, was pretty detached from the rest of the film and gave a WTF?-tinged feeling of a rather disembodied denouement. Still, VERY well shot and nicely acted, with a depth and slowness to the script that is usually absent from modern American horror films.

Movie #129: Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine (1965)

2010-05-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

**
Umph... not really sure why I did this to myself -- it wasn't pleasurable so I'll make this short. Vincent Price stars as a kooky doctor with shiny golden elf shoes who desires to take over the world, sending out bikini-clad female robots to take advantage of the world's richest men. One such robot mistakenly tries to woo the wrong bachelor (Frankie Avalon) who then becomes infatuated with the perfect specimen as she moves on to her correct target. After that it's not really worth explaining. It does take place in San Francisco, which made it somewhat interesting to see all the old SF streets from 50 years ago, but other than that and a few scenes of dancing bikini girls, I would not recommend this movie to anyone but die-hard Vincent Price completists. There's apparently another Dr. Goldfoot movie that was made, but I'm sure we can all tell I'm not going near that one!

Movie #128: Reggie's Prayer (1996)

2010-05-12T14:49:00.000-07:00

**
Remeber when I said I'd seen worse movies than Troll II? Well here ya go. Ex-football player Reggie White plays Reggie, a retired NFL player who goes to teach history and coach football in an inner city school. With his Dead Poet's Society approach to teaching he convinces many of the troubled kids that they need to study in order to make something of themselves, but is unable to reach one promising young member of the football team who falls under the spell of the local drug dealer (played by the astonishing thespian Paul Wight, aka The Big Show) in order to help out his struggling family. Teaming up with the school's diminutive but polite and fair principal (Pat Morita), Reggie confronts the dealer and his cronies in a final fight sequence from hades. I'm definitely not a Christian (DUH) or a football fan, but my cinemasochistic side was quite pleased/taken aback by the heavy doses of faith-based morality lessons and moments of grandiose pious posturing, as well some very amusing and cheesy dream sequences and a gun suicide within the first ten minutes. Other low-lights include cameos from Brett Farvre and some other washed up ex-NFL stars in small parts, blankly reading their script lines with the intensity of bed-ridden hospital patients.

(Judging from the inordinately depressing outtakes during the end credits, "A play can have two names, you know" was a line that took a whole mess of takes to get correctly... and as you can see, the results were still ultimately pathetic.)

Movie #127: Troll II (1990)

2010-05-11T22:28:00.000-07:00

** and 1/2
A family goes on a vacation to a small farming town called Nilbog to stay in a cabin and relax. The young boy in the clan continually has visions of his deceased grandfather Seth, who keeps warning him (in most impressive and wistful Burl Ives-toned vocals) about the town's strange residents and their green-tinted food -- not to mention already telling him stories about Goblins. Several inept side plots are also simultaneously happening, including a tag-along boyfriend and his pals in their RV and a weird "old" lady (baby powder in the hair indicated the elderly state) in a plant-filled victorian. The boy eventually realizes his parents have chosen the kingdom of the goblins as their vacation spot and that the shapeshifting monsters are posing as the townsfolk so they can turn the humans into piles of chlorophyll and eat them. Yep, that's the plot! That's the moronic, useless, retardedly mind-boggling plot. But the acting, costumes, effects and script were actually much worse, not that you couldn't figure that out. Now let's backtrack. I never really had an inkling to watch this movie, even though it had been brought to my attention many many times in the past 10 years, having worked at various video stores and seeing young SF hipsters rent and re-rent it for the umpteenth time. I always assumed that it was ludicriously past the point of being tolerable, even for me. However I was convinced just this afternoon that I couldn't live another minute without seeing it after viewing the trailer for an extremely promising little upcoming documentary called Best Worst Movie that follows the cult following behind this disasterpiece and catches up with the actors two decades after the film was released on an unsuspecting public. I can not WAIT to see this documentary when it comes out in theaters, and now I've just greased the frying pan by watching the unwatchable! (P.S. I HAVE seen worse.)

Movie #126: Labor Pains (2009)

2010-05-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

***
Thea (Lindsay Lohan) is a harried 23-year old publishing secretary who can't catch a break: her parents are both dead, leaving her to care for her teenage sister by herself, her rent money is overdue, and her boss (Chris Parnell) is a douche bag. When a slapstick-y, work-related incident almost gets her fired, she blurts out "I'm pregnant!", knowing full well that ladies with buns in their ovens don't get kicked out of the kitchen, so to speak. So she stays on, even though she's totally unsuited for the job. When the overbearing boss takes a leave of absence after his dog is injured, the nerdy but cute accounting executive (whose dead father owned the company, natch) is put in charge and decides to put his own plans for a family publishing division in the works so he can publish a "real book about pregnancy". Thea is miraculously promoted to editor, since she's preggers and all, and to prepare for her role, researches her "symptoms" and wears a polyester "tummy bump" stolen from a maternity store mannequin. Totally engrossed in her fake pregnant state, Thea starts to lose sense of reality when good fortune continually comes her way, convinced it's because people think she's with child. I would have loved this movie so much more if it had ended with Thea cutting another woman's real fetus out of her womb with a pair of car keys. Now, obviously, I have no tolerance for babies, children and pregnant women, so this little excursion left me with a searing welt from the sting of its cinemasochistic cat-o-nine-tails. Lohan looks like a disturbing cross between a 16 and a 40 year old (making her a 40-teen year-old, I suppose), and has apparently gone the way of Tatum O'Neal in the area of honing what were once fine child-acting skills, choosing to give as half-hearted a performance as the rest of the seemingly down-trodden cast. It wasn't an entirely wasted venture, though -- there were some entertainingly ludicrous lines uttered during the running time, one of which was too good to pass up.

(Thanks to the folks over at I LOVE BAD MOVIES for giving me the inspiration to take subtitled screen caps. Brilliant.)

MOVIE PUKE #6: Switcheroo NOW AVAILABLE!!

2010-05-11T01:01:00.000-07:00

After many hours and days of procrastination, issue number 6 is finally available. Reviews include Sorority Boys, Soul Man, Vice Versa and others. Pick up your copy at Le Video, 1231 9th Avenue in San Francisco... there will also be other copies in the future at various SF theaters like the Balboa. I've also sent out copies to Lost Weekend on Valencia Street and Scarecrow Video in Seattle, but whether they hog them for themselves or put them out for custys is their call. If you can't make it to obscure film-lover locales (or you're like me and don't leave the house) and you'd like to get a copy of #6 sent out to your home address, just email me at moviepuke@gmail.com, or to get all the issues please visit my etsy store and subscribe today for the LOW LOW cost of $2! YAY!

Movie #125: The Incident (1967)

2010-05-09T22:47:00.000-07:00

****
Martin Sheen (in his first big movie role) and Tony Musante star in this suspense drama as a sadistic and freewheeling duo harassing passengers on a subway car, refusing to let them off and egging them on with violent antics and obnoxious behavior. All of the characters are introduced quite thoroughly before stepping on the car, so their stories are all wrapped up in the internal dramatics as each of the riders continually refuse to help the others or take a stand against the toughs. A very gripping little film that had me riveted from the start to the finish and felt more like a play than a movie. Featuring Ed McMahon (who I didn't even realized actually acted in things before hosting Star Search), Beau Bridges, and a very young 'n' sassy Donna Mills! It's not available on DVD, but you can watch it over in a series of segments on Youtube:

Movie #124: Faster Pussycat, Fuck Fuck! (2005)

2010-05-08T17:23:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
I have been wanting to see this since before it even was released but my miserly side always balked at the $29.98 price tag, however thanks to the generosity of a DVD donation from Elizabeth Starr productions I have now seen it for free! This tribute to Russ Meyer is a pretty solid porn parody of Meyer's most famous work, starring Summer Cummings in the Tura Satana role and Starr and Tiffany Towers as her cohorts. Massive funbags, sweet tight black outfits, disturbingly lit desert sex scenes (they really lost their daylight quickly out there), a tantalizing first-time onscreen blow-job from Cummings, and a pretty funny catfight scene that I was sure was going to end in puddles of saline (but didn't). Ron Jeremy and Kitten Natividad also have small, non-sex roles. It's not an inordinately classy masterpiece or anything, but If you like your XXX goofy with a side of cinemasochism, definitely give it a go!

Movie #123: The Boys Next Door (1984)

2010-05-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

*** and 1/2
Charlie Sheen and Maxwell Caufield star as two wayward and outcast teenagers who drive out to Hollywood and take up delinquency as a fun hobby, until Sheen finally realizes Caufield is bonkers when he begins needlessly killing people and getting in over his head. Lots of quote-worthy lines -- particularly when the two pals are scoping Hollywood Boulevard "punk rockers." The soundtrack contained some pretty bitchin' bands and music, and Sheen and Caufield give decent enough performances but aren't anything to write home about... I've seen Sheen way more intense and doing a better job at it (insert "that's what she said" joke here). Directed by Penelope Spheeris, which makes a lot of sense when you see it. Here's the trailer.